you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
