Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
