so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
