I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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