Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
