I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
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You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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