So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
