if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
