Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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