You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
