Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
