her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
