I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
