how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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