We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
