non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
