i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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