So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
