i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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