did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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