gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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