Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
