I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
