I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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