these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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