Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
