I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
