No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
