So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
