What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
