I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
