had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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