He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
