theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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