I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
