Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
