please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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