I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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