Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
