This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
