I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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