Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
