How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
