I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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