I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
