I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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