I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
