My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
