apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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