The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
