There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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