I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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