Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
