Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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