i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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