i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
