im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
