That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
