im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
