I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
