i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
