I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
